WHAT WE SHOULD REMEMBER, WHAT WE SHOULD FORGET

Remembering only the good memories...

Keep souvenirs.    There are good times, and there are bad times. Keep the good memories, but learn to forget the bad ones. One way of remembering the happy times is to keep souvenirs. Take pictures, save some mementos, and write about them in your diary. But when things doesn't go as planned, and you got hurt in the process, just rationalize and someday the pains may be useful. The pictures, the mementos, keep them in separate box or drawer.  You may also write about them but not in your diary. Write every gusty words you can think of during the moment of anger and disappointment and read them after a few days. The rage is gone and soon you'll find the sense to throw them in the waste basket. Time heals and soon the bad times will be forgotten.

Never stop loving even if the other  person have stopped loving you. "Pains of love are sweeter far than any other pleasures are. " as said by a certain poet whose name I have forgotten. Listen to inspiring songs about losing, such as "Even If" by Jam Morales,  "Nothing Else Matter" by Santa Esmeralda and "Hurt" by The Manhattans. The hurt will still be there but at least you're in good company. Someday when you've found another love, the sad memories will not be as sad, and you can use the pain to paint a better romance. We have no control about what goes inside our mind but we have a hold on what we do with the memories. Love is never wasted for even if it is not reciprocated, love will come back in form of another love or another life.

Keep a journal. Its very much like keeping a diary, keeping a daily record of activities and events. A journal however, do more than just keeping tracks of what's happening in your daily life. A journal may include newspaper clippings, cut outs of magazine articles, and sort of things you like to write about - anything you feel like writing about.  After a few days, a few months, you can take a look how you were before and how you are at present. After a few years you can take a full picture of you as compared to what you are now. Feelings change, way of thinking change and sometimes you feel that nothing have changed. But looking at how things went through the years makes you know more about yourself.

Our mind is like a sponge ...it records everything - what we saw, what we heard, what we felt, what we tasted, and what we smelled. Like a computer hard drive, the memories are stored at the back of our memory. Our problem is which memory we should remember and which memory we should forget.  The souvenirs and the journal are trigger mechanics that will make us remember what we wanted to remember. Happiness can be implanted within our life. We can always work out ways to make good whatever comes our way.  As the saying goes, "all he waters in the ocean cannot sink a ship unless the water penetrates the inside."

What we should forget ...

Forget about the good things we do for other people. "Do not let the right know what the left hand is doing" - that is, to be Biblical about it. When we keep track of the good things, the favors, and the help we do for other people, we can lessen our expectations and disappointments. Most often than not, when we help get other people out of the rut, we expect them to have a sense of gratitude and to reciprocate what we have done for them. When they don't do what we expect them to do, we want to punish them. We want to tell them in their face the "if not for me" things, and then we push them away. We sometime end up telling other people how hurt we were, looking for sympathy. The disappointment then turn into hatred, and hatred will forever paint our memories black.

Forget about where you started with.  Comparison is the death of joy. Life maybe a race with more losers than winners. However, success does not guarantee happiness. Some rise above the rest, become more financially stable, but end up having more problems. As the saying goes, "No amount of success could compensate for failure at home." Forget about your common beginnings - some get lucky, and some are simply smarter - but being alive and contented does not depend solely on what you have. There are good friends and there are fair weather friends. Keep the good ones, and the friends for convenience, let them be. The sun shines on both the good and the bad, and life could be defined on how you handle the bad.

Forget about "persona".  Personality or "persona" came from the Greek word "mask". Persona, however, is defined as an individual's social facade or front. Carl Jung, an analytical psychologist viewed it as one's reflection of the role of life he/she wants to play. Each one of us is a different person to different people, and it take years to be able to live a life you really wanted. As long as we keep doing the things other people want and expect us to do, we will not be in command of our life. As John Wayne, an American movie star and icon, found out that happiness comes when you become the kind of person you have always pretended to be. But I like best the Popeye the Sailor boast - "I am what I am 'cause I am what I am."

And of course, don't forget - "Memories is like a rocking chair - always moving back and forth, back and forth, but it gets you nowhere." To the young ones and the not so young, it may not help at all. But you're old and weary, awaiting you final rest, good memories are the only thing that would brighten your days, wash away the bitterness of being alone. It may be hard to understand, but a busy mind full with sweet memories will never have dull moments.  Nothing like dreaming when you're wide awake...

THE FIRST ON MY BUCKET LIST

Life had been good to me ...

and given a few years more, I hope to do some more things before I kick the bucket.

The eldest of 5 brothers,

I wish we could share a table of drinks at least one more time.

They migrated to Canada in 1981, and one of them I haven't seen for almost 20 years.

I have been sober for over 30 years.  I have forgotten how it feels to have a hangover.

I also forgotten the feeling of how it is to have little brothers hovering around.

They are no longer little and have families of their own.

It would be nice to see all their faces before I close my eyes.

For old times' sake ...

We did have some good times together but we were still very young.

My youngest brother was only six years old while I was about 22 then.

The wine may not help to bridge the gaps created by the vast distance that

separated us but it would break the ice.

Once the ice melts, we may become like real brothers one more time.

No one would understand why I chose the life I have, 

but maybe when I stop trying to understand them, they too would stop trying to 

understand me.  It would just a simple get-together,  share some jokes, 

share some fun, and connect in some ways.

I may not have played the role of a big brother to a tee, 

but I was just thrown to the role by fate.

Maybe not a good example to them and time is to short to make amends.
But its never too late ...

Our Dad had  10 brothers and 2 sisters,

all of them are gone now.

Dad was 10th of the twelve children. 

I was with him most of the time when goodbyes were said as they were laid to rest.

I cannot forget how his eldest brother cried when he visited him a year before he died.

When his youngest brother died, I was there too helping with all the preparations for

burial. He may have a lot of faults but one thing I am sure,

he felt the lost of all of them.

ONE HEART, ONE LOVE, ONE LIFE

My dreams when I was a kid  was to be a hero like FPJ, killing Japanese invaders and other bad guys, and to marry someone as beautiful as Liberty Ilagan.  The first dream was just a mere fantasy.  Fortunately the second dream came true. Too pretty. too tall , why would she pay attention to someone like me ?  But like a storybook romance I started to make her smile, then laugh at my jokes, and then melt her heart with my words. The once dream became a reality and the real challenge was keeping it from becoming a nightmare.

That was 33 years ago.  Age has taken away some of her beauty.  I sometimes forget how beautiful she was but it doesn't take long for me to remember.  Love hasn't waned. One heart, one love, one life - its the simplest recipe for a happy life. I just pretend that our life is a movie. my role  to keep her happy and hers was simply to play the role of the leading lady, willing to go wherever, whatever, whenever, and forever. We both were the old romantic type, against all odds,  two imperfect lovers trying to live a perfect life. Impossible ?  I guess so, but there's nothing wrong with wishing to live happily ever after ...

She never read what I write, except the love letters and the poem I made when I was courting her. She joked that whenever she feel that she made a mistake, all she had to do was to take a peek at her drawer and she would remember the days when love was blind. I guess that's the reason why I have to keep whispering sweet nothings to her ears so as not to break the spell. We all start thinking that love will never end, but as reality sets in, it will rock the very foundation of a happy marriage.  Like a campfire, to keep the fire burning the firewoods must not be spaced too near each other for little air would come in. Same with  a shared life,  there must be spaces between your togetherness.

I don't remember seeing the moon as bright as it was when she said  she love me too.  Its easy to fall in love with a beautiful woman but it was a bit hard to believe that someone like her would love someone like me. The first half of my life I lived so recklessly, aimlessly ... so I thought this girl must be crazy !  I wrote a poem that bared my soul, love letters that said what was deep inside of me, and yet I acted clumsily whenever I was with her. Maybe its what they call destiny  for I could only ask my self how could this be.  The first 2 years were a bit rocky, but after identifying the villains, mowing down the bad guys was easy. 

Love is blind and lovers cannot see the pretty follies that they themselves commit. Love alone cannot bring food to the table. There are bills to pays and there are some people who comes between the two of you. Unexpected things happen and some problems will test the relationship. But as the saying goes, "All the water in the ocean cannot sink a ship unless the water get inside it." It may sound difficult but there are problems and there are "real problems". The first can be solved easily when you understand each other and once solved will never cause a "real" problem. As you grow older, its no longer what happens, its how you handle things together.

My definition of happiness is simple. Only happy memories are to be stored. The bad times ... a little bit of patience will turn them into good times. You have no control about the wind and the waves when you' are on a boat but you can adjust the sail. When the storm had passed, you can smile about them. Happy thoughts never leave a smiling idiot. Laughter always visit the crazy lovers and most of all, tears of joy never depart from romantic fools.  Dreams last when you don't wake up ...and unlike your favorite movies, you cannot download it and later play it back. But dreams could be kept inside your heart. Its just a matter of perception but for two people wanting to keep the fire going, their perception is their reality.

Past loves never interfere with the present love if the memories only dwell in a faithful heart. Its a feeling, a part of our romantic nature for how could you teach your heart to stop loving someone who has stopped loving you.  To be honest about it, they at times jump into your reveries.  But memories are just like beautiful flowers you pass by when you're driving down the memory lane - just don't stop the car, pass them by.  You can write about them, use them as inspiration for like villains in a movie, they define the character of the hero lover - for how can you know the value of gold if you no other metals to compare it to.

THE BOOKSTORE : THE WRITINGS ON THE WALL

The writings on the wall for bookshops can no longer be denied.  The rising cost of overheads (rentals, utilities, etc.), changes in reading habits and not being able to find a successor will soon force the bookstore out of business. Customer base is either constant or getting smaller and that lesser profits.  As the saying goes, "dreams are dreams, but it cannot pay your bills and put food on the table."

Einstein was right. When you keep on doing the same thing over and over again and expect different results, that is insanity.  We should have made a decision ten years ago, but we kept on, hanging and hoping that things will change for the better the next year 'round.  Yet every year the slice of the pie gets smaller as rental appreciate 10 to 20 percent, while nothing is ever done to improve the place condition. Its hard to give up a place you've learned to love. A "comfort zone" and at our age, I couldn't think of anything better to do. We'll keep on while we can still row, and continue hoping the tides will turn.

On-line book shopping may be the fad right now,  easier, but the browsing experience is not the same.  You don't get the chance to look at books that might interest you the way you can in bookshops.  The sentimental ones still prefer the conventional bookshop. A better location could be an option but it would be like starting all over again. Going on line ia another option but having to teach old dogs new tricks is way beyond our "jurassic" understanding.  

I am old and tired, but still unwilling to give up the fight.  Another round, another year, I am willing to bear.  I have stocked up nearly a thousand selected books for future reading. filled up over a thousand movies in my 1 terrabyte hard drive but I will surely miss the the bookstore life. Stories I hear from customers, the sweet smiles from lovely faces and the feeling of being somebody to be listened to.


None of the kids will follow my footsteps.  Theirs is a world of discovery, filled with numbers.  Its algorithm for them not poetry.  One thing good about technology is that you can keep your thoughts recorded and maybe someday be played back even when you're gone. I've had some good years, good lessons learned, and  maybe a few more years.  No regrets just a bit sad that people of this generation were not as romantic as we were once. 

THE BOOKSTORE : HOW IT ALL STARTED

"  Dreams  like that doesn't pay the bills.

The only thing it does is to keep you like this  -

away from realities, from knowing what is real . "

- from the movie,  " I Can Only Imagine"

Dreams die first ... that's what happen when your focus is in making a living rather than having a life.  Working as an engineer in a government corporation did not suit me well for no matter how hard I tried. my heart was simply not in the right place. From a grand dream of providing for the future needs of a growing population of the metropolis, the new administration that replaced the old one decided to scrap everything that the old regime started. It took only four years for the second largest government corporation to go down the drain and then later on privatized, and the firm's direction shifted to making profit rather than public service.

I opted to quit and tried my hands in business. My parents have a nice place near the market so we started rent-free and I dealt with second hand goods - imported over-runs and clothings,  and reconditioned electrical appliances, orphaned books, magazine and a garage sale sort of things.  I was making good until I discovered that the "relief" clothings came from illegally diverted US donations for flood victims so I stopped after selling our remaining stocks.
The early 1990's saw the metropolis suffering from daily 10-hour brownouts so the "recon" appliances also became obsolete. But the books and magazine prospered especially after the tagalog comics priced itself out of the market. And then came Valentine Romance tagalog novels, and we started renting out pocketbooks. Before our store burned down in 1993 we have over 2,000 members

Second hand books  Also came cheap from garage sales we visit on weekends and someone tipped me about a "tiangge market" in Dau, Pampanga  where books and magazine were sold at give-away prices.  We have quite a big store space and we have to fill the shelves to a bookstore appearance. 9 out of 10 customers go for tagalog pocketbooks but one good thing I noticed about customers patronizing english novels, they prefer buying to renting the books.

Then one day a rather beautiful woman in her 50's entered the store, picked up two books titled "Lolita" by Nobokov and "Pride and Prejudice" by Jane Austen, both priced at php 10, and handed me a hundred peso bill.  She smiled and told me that she was surprised how cheap the price was and started to share some insights how hard it was to find such rarities.  I also read books but mostly western adventures and I hardly have any idea about the so-called classics. What really got my attention was the way she revealed herself and for the first time I found myself listening more, falling in love with a woman's mind who was 20 years my senior.

That day I went back to my Literature books to find more about what we talked about. Then I read my first classic novel - "The Grapes of Wrath" by John Steinbeck and followed it up with "Of Mice and Men" also by Steinbeck. My Reader's Digest Condensed Book days ended for I came to see the missing ingredients in storytelling - the depth of human emotions.  The business became a bookstore and the bookstore became a home, and after more than 20 years, the bookstore became me.

"When you stay in a place for too long, it becomes you"
                                                             -- Rocky Balboa

THE LONELINESS IN THE EYES OF JOY

The misty eyes looked familiar ... for the eyes say what the lips cannot utter.  I have had  a lot of these heart to heart talk in my many years  as a bookseller.  I love to talk, but I also love to listen. People who you knew nothing about and who knows nothing about you are at times the best people to talk with, be it matters of the heart or family matters. You can be totally honest with them and them with you ... and then later forget about everything that had been that had been said.

Recalling bad memories they would share with their loved ones can easily be related with other people who have no vested interest in you - the reason why in the western countries, they pay professional therapist and "shrinks" just to get the heat out of their burners. We Pinoys are not so accustomed to that so we seek advice, pour our heart out to almost anyone who are willing to listen to our miseries but later find ourselves no better than where we started from. Most are merely forum-shopping, trying to embolden themselves by seeking favorable counsels from people they know who most of the time think that its rather demeaning to disagree.

Loneliness in the eyes of joy, pretending everything is okay and they are fit enough to handle their problems. Pretending that they want to hear some words of advice but in reality they have all their mind made up. They won't stop until they have  a horde of people backing them up to make their stand. They would try to rationalize, and refer to some readings they have made,  but one thing I have learned in learning - there is no sure remedy for each case, each problem have to be dealt with differently.  You get 20 people to read one book and you'll come up with 20 different interpretation - that's how things are and that's how things will ever be.

Books may have some answers but they do not have all the answers.  The human mind, the human heart, and the human soul, poetically are three different CPU's that operates inside every human being.  Unlike computers, one algorithm to a thousand PC's will produce the same result, but for humans, one solution will produce different results for different  people.  Even husbands and wives who are supposed to be "one" speak with different voices except when the "man" of the house will come to realize that even him as the king of the castle is no match for an "Ace of heart" that every loved woman had.

I will surely miss days like this ... when I can say what I want to say, relate to people what I have discovered, and maybe in a way or two tip in a hint of which door they could open to aid them in their journey.  Most of them build walls to keep away people they despise but fail to realize that what they have really built was their prison.  Some seek serenity through religion but find themselves shackled to their beliefs.  And some use knowledge learned to heightened their "ego", paint themselves into a corner and cannot find a way to move out of the miseries they got themselves into.

Deserves got nothing to do with it  ... we reap what we sow,
and most of the time, we have it coming ..we just don't know when.

THE LONELINESS OF AN AGING BOOKSELLER

I've got 5 kids.  I tried to woo them with a lot of storytelling since they were babies. Everyday, I have at least 2 fairy tales, anecdotes or jokes to share and like a stand-up comedian I was able to sway them away from the TV and gadgets they were playing with. When they entered grade school, my eldest at grade 6 with the youngest at grade 1, I made extra effort to research about the topics they took up in school. Until now, all of them now adults, my stories still ranked higher than their PC's and cellphones but not one of them became interested in letters - they all preferred dealing with numbers.

They never knew how it is to seek adventure in book pages or travel through different worlds, leap back to the future or look back at the past while sitting in a corner.  The magazine, the newspapers remain untouched except when their favorite movie stars are in the covers or headlined. To them its the numbers that count, how one come out of puzzling equations. To them what matters is what's new in the internet, especially the trending parts.

But make no mistake about it, they are better. They all love me as I am, its just that my dream is not their dream.  My wife just beat me  me to it - she knew their gifts and lured them into honing their mathematical skills, proving realities through numbers  rather than probing the imagination to get a kick out of living. We still are a family, the kids are apt to achieve different glory, the mother providing their moral grounds, while I will be at the background finding things to write about.

I've had a good run, enjoyed my youth, contented with my married life, found happiness in my search for meanings, and had the luck of picking up some inspiration in seeing a dying dream - the bookstore.  It has taken roots, flowered for sometime, and bore some fruits but may have to be cut down when its planter leaves.